Learning from the darkness

I was aware of the cosmic irony of being in the doctor's office exactly six months to the day of my last visit, the day before Larry died. Wednesday I had an appointment to get a physical and looked forward to getting acquainted with a new doctor, my former doctor having retired this summer. I took a face mask from the box by the front door and announced to the receptionist that I wasn't there because I was sick, I just happened to be sick on the day I had an appointment. 

The diagnosis was almost identical to what it was in June; sinusitis, ear infection, non-productive cough, low grade fever. The drug cocktail was slightly different, but now, four days later I can actually lie down and sleep without hacking up a lung. I am depleting my kleenex supply, the headache persists, the eyes still itch, but I am clearly on the mend.

In my working days, I took pride in my self-care tactics. When I had the flu or was running a fever, I would give myself three days to rest and heal, and get back quickly to the work of caring for others. Unless of course, it was only a post nasal drip, I ignored it until I developed laryngitis, which only happened twice on a Sunday morning.

 My decision to retire three years ago was influenced by knowing I could not care for Larry and the needs of a congregation and have anything left for myself. For three and half years, his health care was our priority. When I broke my foot and then later scheduled knee replacement, the reality of how little Larry could function as a caregiver became evident. We were often living in our own little island of denial. It seemed easier. It became complicated.

Now, feverish, coughing, blowing my nose, battling a headache, I felt bereft of skills to battle this attack on my system. I am not sure I would have bothered with an appointment, but would have just toughed it out. Sleep it off, give it time, get over it. 

And perhaps there is the lesson--time is not the only way to heal. It helps. But so does a little help from my friends (in this case a medical professional), the courage to admit the need for support, comfort, rest. It's still hard to ask. This time the universe came through.

One of our lovely family rituals is to observe the Solstice. We gather, eat, light the fire, release our pain, offer our intentions for the new year. As the light returns may we pay attention to the rhythms of the universe. I am working at appreciating what the darkness has to teach me.

This year, may Christmas come to everyone

This is not the first Christmas without a tree. 
There were the two years we were moving in January, and decided the hassle of tree decorating and the disposal process, often delayed, was more than we wanted to manage. Our day of celebration was with kids and grandkids at one of their homes, so it still felt like Christmas.

Last year was different. Larry had already been sick for a month with bronchitis when it would have been time to get the tree and trim it. Calling the paramedics frequently to help get him up from a fall and into bed had depleted my spirit. My energy was shot, and we were counting on our new annual tradition of gathering on Boxing Day with family. I have manufactured excuses this year--the growing collection of items to be discarded have blocked easy access to decorations stored in the garage; the new flooring may be delivered and installed any day now (or, I just found out, January 19); I am not emotionally ready to unearth the memories. I have kept exceptionally busy the last few weeks. No room for grief and self-pity, or for Christmas preparations.

Perhaps because yesterday was the cookie baking marathon with Abigail’s family, and their freshly cut tree was in the process of being decorated, today, memories of our first foray together to a tree farm, 36 years ago, resurfaced. Larry and I were in the “dating” stage, and to impress me and please me, he offered to take me out to look for my tree. With a 10 foot cathedral ceiling I was hunting for an eight foot tree. I believed that the right one would speak to me. Abigail came along to help with the hunt. We stopped at Dairy Queen for a hot dog on the way home. That was the year the angel ornament collection began, and by now I have more than 200 angels to fit on much smaller trees.

I also remembered that the idea of including John and Anne, not yet siblings, in the tree decorating process created some pouting and sulking. Intruders in our lives according to my oldest.  Too many changes in our lives.

This is a another season of change. Merry is a single parent, sharing kids on holidays with her ex and alone on Christmas Eve. I refuse to be alone Christmas morning. There will not be a stocking to fill, nor one filled for me. I haven’t been given a book list, picked out a new Christmas tie, or mailed Larry’s Chex Mix to our friends. There will be no new angel ornaments tied to packages.There are no new angel pins for each week in Advent. I will not have to bite my tongue to be appreciative of gifts I did not ask for, and do not need. What I really wanted was good health and more time.

And yet, singing the words to “Star Child” yesterday, “This year, this year/ let the day arrive/ when Christmas comes for everyone/ everyone alive,” I began to yearn to move through this season with the resolve to find joy, to live in joy, to share the joy of loving and being loved, to honor the memory of a kind and generous man. 

My promise to be all right, my resolve to live fully into an unknown future, my privilege to be financially secure and surrounded by family and friends are all reason to let Christmas come into my heart, into my life. 

The hope that new life, a new year, a reinvention of who I am to be in the decades to come, is reason to hold on, to persevere, to turn to life and smile.

Maybe, just maybe, the smell of fresh cut fir will help.

Holidays, Holy Days, Every Day

Warning. The first year is the hardest. The milestones stack up. Fourth of July. My birthday. Time at the lake. Halloween. Thanksgiving. Larry’s birthday. Christmas. New Years’ Day. Valentines Day. Easter. Our wedding anniversary. The first anniversary of his death. Then, will it get easier? I don’t know yet.

On a beautiful morning the tears began as I looked at the sun shining through the golden, yellow, and red leaves, arched across Legion Way in Olympia. I was driving to church, realizing that my being late was not only normal but intentional--fewer people to greet, rushing past the memories of escorting Larry carefully to a seat near the front of the sanctuary, a seat where he would not have to stand and would still be able to read the words on the screen. I remembered his irritation of my tendency to run late.  I had conquered my impatience with our differing concepts of time management. I was free of our mutual irritation. I was relieved of the burden of care. I repeated to myself that his release from suffering was a gift. Yet, the surprising tears kept coming.

In that moment I recognized that our continuing participation in the life of the church post-retirement had not been about the preaching content or the worship experience (although good to excellent by my estimation) but about how he held on to his identity. With limited energy or strength, Larry served on committees and taught a class, contributing to the life of the church. It wasn’t what he got from the church, but what he could give, that added value to his life.

I cried again this Sunday, as the Saints were named, candles were lit, and a bell rang. I was intentional about being at the service my cousin and his wife attend. I knew I did not want to be sitting alone. Someone was holding my hand when Larry’s name was read. I was safe. I was comforted. There will be one final remembrance of Larry being honored among the saints at the Memorial Service at Annual Conference in June. I will be surrounded and held in love again.

I went home to find David Whyte’s book Consolations.  He gives his poetic voice to the “solace, nourishment and underlying meaning of everyday words.” 

He writes of “Alone:”

 “One of the elemental dynamics of self-compassion is to understand our deep reluctance to be left to ourselves...”

Of “Heartbreak:”

“Heartbreak asks us not to look for an alternative path, because there is no alternative path. It is an introduction to what we love and have loved, an inescapable and often beautiful question, something and someone that has been with us all along, asking us to be ready for the ultimate letting go.”

There are days I am both heartbroken and reluctant to be left to myself. There are days I find a path to self care and experience great joy in the world. There are days when I realize that a holiday is coming, a day filled with tradition and memories that need to be honored and then reconfigured. These are days I make plans to be away, to do something completely different. There are more good days than bad.

As the seasons move me through this year, I am ready to move with them into something more, something new, something yet to be revealed.

All right? Not yet.

Walking arm in arm with my thirteen year old granddaughter from the Farmer’s Market to lunch, I said, “Lluvia, I love having you with me and spending time together, but you need to know that Grandma won’t need you to be with me 24/7 for very long. I’m going to be all right.”

It was the day after Larry died, and for the next week everyone was on Grandma watch, making sure I ate, slept, had someone with me to help make decisions, someone to drive my car, take me wherever I needed to go, remove reminders of constant medical care from the house. I was grateful, I was tired, I was numb. As I reassured my family that I was going to be all right, it was a way to assure myself. It was my way of getting through for three years. It was drawing on my survival mode from forty-five years before, widowed at 24, keeping the promise I made to my military husband, headed to Viet Nam, to be strong, to be brave. It all kicked in again.

These days I find myself having conversations with friends and acquaintances who mention something from Larry’s Memorial service and I realize I hadn’t known they were there, or I have forgotten. I thought I was prepared to keep track, to be able to say thank you, to acknowledge their caring, to let their love uphold me. Maybe not, until now.

I also hear myself retelling that last week in the hospital, reliving the very last day, the day I knew Larry was dying, when he was having visions of “the girl in the yellow dress” standing at the foot of his bed. Waiting? When he was asking over and over why he was in a hospital bed when he had just been sitting in another room, filled with light. Strong again and free from pain. When he unwrapped and offered me an imaginary piece of chocolate. Sharing his love for me.

I left that afternoon to go to the doctor. I had never recovered from the hacking cough and laryngitis I experienced on our trip to Alaska. It had been six weeks. When she diagnosed a sinus infection, an ear infection, and bronchitis, she prescribed antibiotics, an inhaler, and codeine laced cough syrup. She urged me to go home to rest. Larry and I talked once that evening on the phone. His doctor called to update me. I went to bed. I slept.

When the phone announced the call from St. Peter’s Hospital at 6 am, I knew. I drove to a nearly empty parking lot, parked at an angle near the front door. I walked past the hand lettered sign on his hospital room door which said, Do Not Enter. 

The room was sterile, all tubes and machines removed. His face was shaved. His hand was still warm.

Sometimes I think I should have stayed that night, I should have been there, I should have been holding his hand when he died. He should not have died alone. I think there should have been last minute assurances that he could let go, that it would be easier if I told him again I would be all right.

I’m tired of “shoulding” myself. 

February 10, 2014, when he was first hospitalized with renal failure, when he was so very sick, we weren’t sure he would live. His words to me in the emergency room were, “I want you to know I’ve had a good life.”

It was then we said our preliminary good-byes, when I first gave him permission to let go of this world, that he needn’t worry about me, I would miss him, but I would be all right.  I scoffed when he told me he wanted me to get married again, to find love. I knew that the pain of another loss would be more than I can bear. I was certain that even with a kidney transplant, his life would be limited, restricted. I anticipated this loss for the next three and a half years.

It washed over me with the force of a tsunami this week. I knew he was dying. I went home. I would not, could not stay to give him permission to let go of this world. Although it was the most healing thing for his body, to release his soul, I could not bear it. I am waiting to be all right.

Rearranged

I am successful selling furniture-- Larry’s power lift recliner, his desk chair, his dresser.  Repurposing spaces to remove triggers of emotion beats moving, I think. One small discovery was a carved stone turtle, a recent gift from a neighbor, which had gone missing during a visit by grandchildren. Inquiries of whether they had played with it, added it to the toy basket of my wind-up toys, or might have dropped it between the cushions in the couch all were met with innocence and denial. I discovered it, head broken off, as I moved the love seat.  It seems repairable, as soon as I find that super glue. Hiding it must have been prompted by fear that I would be angry and the perpetrator would get in trouble. Not so. There are many more important, more valuable things in this life than things.

I seem to be nesting. Rearranging my life. Reclaiming spaces. Discarding artifacts. Gifting stamp and coin collections, sorting and boxing books, donating shoes and clothing. I bump into bits and pieces from life with an invalid. Finding the digital thermometers for daily temperature charts, the ever present cough drops, boxes of kleenex, the scale set to weigh in kilograms, low sodium foods, protein powder, protein bars, bottles of vitamins and supplements. I cancel the newspapers, the cable TV service, close credit card accounts, sell a car, fill garbage bags. I have second thoughts and sign up for Hulu and Netflix.

Letting go of possessions has been easy. Letting go of patterns of behavior, expectations, feelings of grief and loneliness has been harder. I travel alone. Driving to the cabin with an audio book to keep me company, embarking on a cross country flight without needing wheelchair assistance, nor medical equipment, nor a suitcase full of supplies, no priority for early boarding, no one to hold my hand when taking off and landing.

The day I unplugged the telephone I was surprised by grief. The last point of connection to hope for a someday miracle, the last symbol of the constant anxiety of being available at all times for the possibility that a kidney donation had come our way, that an offer of life would be made. The end of the frustration, the anger, the disappointment, the impossible dream. It provided relief.

Larry’s former office is now a guest bedroom. I gained skills with roller and paint brush, conquered some power tools, and wrestled a queen size mattress from one room to another. The walls are now somewhere between the color of marmalade and nasturtiums. His favorite print of Don Quixote is all that remains.  As I walk past the open door, I am comforted by the change, the sign of hospitality, the possibility of unscheduled visitors, late night conversations, the freedom from routine, the banishment of shadows.

Knowing, Loving, Forgiving

I’ve been asked to preside at a Memorial Service for the Rev. Eugene Kester, a mentor, colleague and friend. I was honored, while at the same time, had a moment of concern whether it was “too soon.” Then I remembered that I am really good at this part of the job, having had life experiences that magnify my understanding of the need for comfort, hope, and solace at the time of death. I have done harder things, numerous times, so I said yes.

This I know; the family, children and grandchildren, will be sharing memories, telling stories, offering life lessons from their beloved. There will be tears and laughter. There will be remembrances of a faith-filled life, prayers, the reading of scripture, the singing of favorite hymns, and grand music on the organ he loved so much. We will be in the church where I ended my active ministry, with Gene seated in the pew, supporting my ministry. The congregation will have folks from the church in Renton where we have common history: Gene appointed there from 1985 until his retirement in 1990, Larry and I together there from 1995 to 2003. All of this will provide affirmation that the Circle of Life continues unbroken.

As I anticipate  the day (which will also include a wedding and a charity auction/dinner, if I get the timing right), I can hear the words, “I didn’t know that ...” When our son John spoke about his father at Larry’s memorial service, he said, “Now that my father is dead, I realize I didn’t really know him.” I was surprised, and my heart felt sad in that moment, for John was one of a handful of folks present who had known Larry longer than I had. There were friends from Larry’s military days in Germany, who greeted John at his birth. There were a few colleagues who first welcomed Larry to the Northwest forty one years ago. They may have been saying the same thing. But for his son, whose entire 46 years were shaped and influenced by his dad, to still not know him, it seemed unfortunate. He was a good person to know. He was also a complex, slightly flawed, somewhat emotionally repressed person, reticent to share about himself, protective of his tender spots. After that moment passed, I realized how little any of us can really know and understand another human being. How most of us protect our core realities, keep a few secrets, nurse some ancient hurts, want the world to see our best selves always, and sometimes only our best selves. Families often know better, and forgive anyway. 

In the months and days leading up to Larry’s death, we gathered frequently. We held one another in love. I held fast to this hope for him (from the pen of Raymond Carver): 

“And did you get what 

you wanted from this life, even so?

I did.

And what did you want?

To call myself beloved, to feel myself 

beloved of the earth.”

Send a Card

In the midst of the overwhelming outpouring of sympathy after Larry's death on June 29, I pause to reflect on all the feels. 
Yes, I am well acquainted with the classic stages of grief and aware that there is nothing linear about the process. So, while denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance continue to cycle through my heart and mind, I do what I have always done, try to make it all make sense, find a way forward, think of practical lessons to learn and apply. Besides his memorial service giving us time to celebrate the gifts of compassion, justice seeking, kindness, teaching and mentoring, it brought us together--family, friends, colleagues, and former parishioners. I planned carefully, chose twice as many hymns as we could possibly sing, invited speakers to highlight aspects of his ministry, listened breathless as four of our five children (Anne was in Slovakia) spoke about his impact on their lives, and felt supported by the arms of grace. I was stunned by the 50+ active and retired clergy joining in the Bishop's Hymn to honor our shared covenant and hope of God's reign made real.
I visited with 80 % of those who came, recalled our lives together, asked for people to tell me jokes, accepted hugs, enjoyed memories shared. I have thanked as many as I could for being there, for gifts given to the Refugee Program, for offering hospitality and other kindnesses. Yet, now two months later, I return to the lists of names, trying to remember who was there that I had the opportunity to talk to, who I might have talked to, who I missed seeing all together.
The biggest impact, the dearest keepsakes, are the cards you sent, the letters received, the slips of paper telling me stories, all recalling your relationships. My first learning was the significance in the task of selecting a card, writing a note, signing your name, leaving it at the church, or finding a stamp and sending it in the mail. 
It means more than you know. It is my new resolution, will be my new intentional practice in moving forward. It helps. It divides grief. It brings tears and joy.
Honestly now, send a card, it's not that hard.

Our Support Posse

I am effectively driven by timelines, expectations, deadlines, assignments, and responsibility, sometimes forgetting that those are what is supposed to be left behind at retirement. In the last two years I have put in over 45 hours of class time in a writing class, I will miss the last session, and its public reading, I mourn its end.
I was asked to create a list of ways I would be able to continue writing. I declared I would commit to writing a blog entry every week. Once I make a public statement about an intention, and receive interest, support, and recognition, the duty-bound obligation kicks in, which in many ways, is the motivation for sharing the information to begin with. Pressure from the outside increases the pressure on the inside, and something must be produced.
And so, I will look at some of the hard and beautiful events of life, mull them over, and display my understanding or my confusion, my learning or my questions. Many times I would suspect it would be some of any or all those things.

Today I have been confronted again with magical thinking, that something new would come along to make life easier would be the answer.Most often it has been faith in the knowledge and prowess of medical providers, and the newest elixir from pharmaceutical companies to alleviate symptoms, eliminate a rash, provide relief.  When disappointed by caution or the need for more information, and the wait for a different type of specialist, the magic fades. Time, hard work, discipline, discomfort, and discouragement accompany the loss of magical thinking.

It is in times such as these, that gathering a posse of friends and family for support, empathy and understanding, good courage, and positive energy works it's own magic. We carry our own burdens, but they are lightened by the love of others.

We are grateful.